Building Better Boundaries: Why It’s Hard To Say No

When saying yes feels easier than saying no

One afternoon last week, I took my dog for our usual afternoon walk. As we headed into the field, I noticed my shoulders and neck felt tense, jaw tight, footsteps increasingly stompy. I felt cross.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. As my dog snuffled about investigating rabbit holes, I mentally walked back through my week.

There wasn’t one big thing – more like a whole bunch of little ones. Saying yes to this, yes to that, saying ‘sure, if that’s easier for you’, ‘no problem, I can sort it’, ‘I don’t mind – whatever you want’, ‘let me go get that for you’.

Each one small and seemingly inconsequential.

But running through it all in my mind, it had actually been a week of quietly bending and twisting myself to accommodate others’ needs and demands. Until I felt angry.

If that sounds familiar, this post is for you.

Why it’s hard to say no

For so many of us, helping others feels as natural as breathing.

Part of you just wants to help – it matters to you that the other person can relax, eat the food they want or feel less stressed out by work. You care about them and want them to be ok, to feel happy.

Maybe there’s a part of you that feels better for helping them.

Or another part might be worried what will happen if you say no - you can feel your heart slightly skip at the thought of upsetting them. They could get annoyed or go off in a huff. Or even turn the tables and lay into you.

So you say yes. Over and over and over again.

Then you start noticing anger bubbling up in your chest. Shoulders tensing up. Maybe you’re feeling low level irritable. Maybe it’s an all out explosion. Maybe it all goes inward and you shut down.

It can feel like you’ve hit a wall – you’ve said yes so many times, and it’s been ok, but now you’re angry. Feel taken advantage of. Feel like no one cares about what I need. Feel like I’m working so hard to take care of everyone else but no one is taking care of me.

You’re not bad or wrong for feeling that way – anger is showing up to protect you

Here’s the thing about anger. Its our nervous system’s way of telling us something is wrong – its letting us know we’re feeling stressed, our boundaries have been crossed or that we’re worn out.

We’ve often learned how to people please from a really young age – keeping those we love and care about happy while protecting us from their anger, blame or withdrawal.

That’s why it’s hard to say no.

A part of us is working hard to keep those around us happy by saying yes. But another part of us is getting angry or anxious at how much of ourselves we’re sacrificing in the process.

That final time we find ourselves working late or switching TV shows for someone else – it can be the straw that breaks the camels back. The anger and anxiety, which has been quietly building in the background, suddenly erupts.

You’re not alone with this

So many of us find saying no really hard. We just want to help, keep the peace, make the other person happy. Its something we’ve often been doing since we were young.

But the accumulation of each small, quiet yes can leave us feeling frustrated, burnt out or just not ourselves.

Feeling angry isn’t wrong or bad – it’s just communicating that we’re not feeling ok, that we need a rest or to pull back for a bit. While we can still help others, its letting us know we need to balance that with paying attention to our own needs.

Figuring out why setting boundaries is hard takes time, let alone working out which boundaries are important to you - if this feels familiar and you would like some support, you’re welcome to get in touch.